And you wonder why so many actors wind up in rehab.

Freddie and I both had "Big Deal Tuesday" this week.

A confession: we have both had a hard time rallying up to "real life" ever since.  No, really!  We sat on the couch all day on Wednesday, watching TV shows that we had recorded on our DVR the week before.  After 2 Leno's and a Letterman, Freddie turned to me and was all, "I'm TIRED.  Dude.  I'm TIRED from watching TV!  I need to lay down for a bit."  As for myself?  I have been fighting a sore throat and sinus headache for the second half of the week.  It's like, now that I don't have a Big Deal reason to stay healthy, my body is all, "Okay, let's fall apart now.  I like staying in my jammies all day.  Woo!"

(And yesterday Freddie was all, "I noticed you left the tax stuff on my side of the desk this morning -- how subtle of you."  I KNOW!  Because it is April 11!!  And we are usually done and done by now, having already spent our delicious tax return on plane tickets to somewhere awesome.  This year?  Oh, hay-ell no.  We are moving at snail's pace when it comes to being grown ups and doing that whole job and civic responsibility thing.)

On Tuesday, Freddie had this huge heart rhythm test that he had to pass OR ELSE.  Basically, it was reading the squiggling lines on the monitor and being able to exactly identify a patient's problem.  Props to Freddie, because nurses have to take classes and tests thruout their entire careers and it's not easy-peasy! (He passed!)

As for me, I did my Big Deal audition. Yeah, that one.

I worked hard on polishing my audition, but - really - no harder than I work on any other one.  I really care about the work I put out there...so I don't go on auditions just to "get seen" anymore.  I choose my auditions carefully, making sure that I go in for roles that I could truly play.  Yet, I haven't had much luck this year.  Once again.  Fearing that I have been (unknowingly) shooting myself in the foot over and over again, I booked a couple of private sessions with my Shakespeare teacher to have him look at my audition material and sort out any behavior that's keeping me from getting further in the process.  He's a Pretty Big Deal and I figured, "Hey, If he can tell me what I am doing wrong, maybe I can fix it and actually book some WORK!"   

Sweet.

He had a handful of minor adjustments in the first session -- mostly a few technical suggestions to give the speeches even more vocal color.  He also asked me to work on really tapping into emotional pain and having that be the reason why my characters say and do what the say and do -- to relieve the pain they've been carrying around quietly.  He said I was playing it just a little too safe and while I sounded good and looked good...I needed to really get deeper into the ticking time bomb of both characters.  I get that -- I think I was holding back because I was afraid if I tapped into it, it would gush out all messy and the people across the table would be all, "Okay, now she's just too much."

So I took that note to heart and worked for the next couple of weeks on tapping into the pain without falling into it.  Going deeper into my gut -- and then riding the top of that, rather than drown in it.  Both of the characters are strong women...so I had to find a way to tap into their inner turmoil without crumbling to pieces.

When I came in for my second session, my coach said, "I see that you have done your homework and, really, it's great -- there's nothing more you can do.  Just go in, let go of it and have a good time."  I felt really terrific after that session because we practiced everything:  what I was wearing, how I was walking into the room, how I was introducing my pieces, how I was walking out of the room. I felt confident and prepared and excited in a good way -- not that general nervousness and dread that I feel when I am not ready.  This was good.

So, Tuesday, I did my Big Deal audition.  Everything fell into place:  my voice was in great shape, my hair and makeup turned out good, my emotions were easily accessible, I recited both pieces letter perfect, I was juiced and I really "saw" the people I was talking to....I felt very clear and I was proud of my work.

But really?  No magic fairy dust here.  I did exactly what I expect of myself in all my auditions.  So it wasn't like THIS audition was waaaay better than the others I had this year.  This audition felt great -- but I expected it to be great.  I was confident in the work I had put into it...which is no different than any other audition that I commit to.   

A couple of beats after I finished my second piece, the Very Big Deal Director set his pencil down, looked me straight in the eye and said (with, dare I say, a bit of a twinkle in his voice) most decisively:

"Excellent."

And that was it.

No adjustments, no chit chat.
I shook his hand, thanked him and was out the door.

Now --

I had a brilliant time in the audition, as I usually do. 
I was very happy with what I presented, as I usually am. 

Yet --

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE I CAN DO!! 

There's always the hope that I might get this one...but the facts are this: in this year so far, I have gone on 28 auditions.  Since we are in the 15th week of the year, that's roughly 2 "job interviews" per week.  If my coach and Mr. Big Deal Director think I am a good talent, how come I haven't had any callbacks?

No -- really -- not even one callback.  NOT. A. SINGLE. ONE.

Gah.

Comments

[dennis baker]

Good job! You did all you could do. I am glad you auditioned for the Lab. I am curious about that program and was going to audition Tuesday, but canceled it because I got into NYU and start classes this summer.